Preemptive Mourning and Writer’s Block

I have been lazy in my blogging lately.  I am sorry.  I repent… can you forgive me?

To be truthful, I sometimes have these moments of blissful unawareness of the world around me.  And it is usually quite blissful.  But lately, it’s been more in the line of “I have less than 60 days before I complete this degree… get me the heck out of here!”  My unawareness and frank laziness have been due in large part to this professional melancholia.  Forgive me.

You see, it really is a kind of melancholia, a type of despair that I have been feeling of late.  Sure, I have had plenty of laughs in the few weeks since we last met here.  But I have also had my blinders up.  I thought, if I just don’t let myself blog about anything, then I won’t have to face the fact that in a few short weeks I will no longer be Jacquie The Student… I will be Jacquie The Graduate, Jacquie On Sabbatical, Jacquie Leaving Nashville.  And it’s hard to admit.  I have come to love Nashville more than any other place I have lived.  It is the first place that I have felt like a self-sufficient adult, able to give of herself to her friends instead of storing up more and more emotional resources for herself.  It is also the first place that I have lived alone (single dorm rooms, unfortunately, don’t count).  Moreover, it is the first place where I began to feel that my academic accomplishments were creative and valuable.  That’s no small feat.

And so, I have felt the mourning process kick in quite sincerely lately.  Unfortunately, that mourning process has waffled between admitting my fears about the future and forgetting that the future exists.  Preemptive mourning… it is, perhaps, a sign that I am not delusional about the future, just frightened to admit it.  Yes, I will be leaving a place I have come to love and a place where I have truly known what it is to love.  And that’s hard.

So that’s my Sunday afternoon confession to all of you.  The voyeurism that the Internet affords allows me to admit this without fear, in the hope that such a confession may alleviate the writer’s block I have experienced lately, looking at this blank page and feeling incapable of writing anything worth reading.  Because truly, I enjoy writing here.  Not having written anything for this creative outlet in the past few weeks has been weighing heavily on my soul.  Admitting it to you here will perhaps give me the freedom to start writing again.

And if not, expect another post like this in a few weeks.


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